A quiet day in Shah Alam. Everyone has started to leave the city and heading to their hometowns. This year we are not going anywhere; will remain in Shah Alam and being very very sad. Hopefully not. The thing is that I can no longer bear the long drive home and madly traffics. Will see how it goes this year maybe we can find something interesting to do for the Eid celebration. But the more pressing thing was that I woke up feeling empty and a strange dash of hopelessness. What am I gonna do with the rest of my life? The question that I thought had the answer from all perspectives at this point of my age. Apparently, I have not seen any clue to my predicament. I will retire soon and what would I be when I woke up in the morning. All the plans seem far reaching. I don’t want to be stuck at home waiting for the time to die. Although the subject of dying is becoming more real each passing day now. I could have had at least 10 good years ahead of me and wanted to do something worthwhile. Ustaz always preach to give up all the worldly activities and prepare yourself for the afterlife. I have been to the surau and at every single ceramah the same tune with different melody has been reiterated again and again. If death is a passing train, it will be here inevitably, and my soul will be on it eventually. I guess it is taken care of no matter what. What I am saying is that while waiting for the train to arrive, I want to do something for my own self, I guess.
One thing for sure is that my career with UiTM is finished, done. For almost thirty years in academia, I am ready to quit. I have seen myself grown into a grumpy and incompetent old man. The technology has gone leaps and bounds and I am like left too far behind struggling to catch up. Amid all these thoughts, I wonder where had gone wrong. I remember as being a fighter when it comes to fight a challenge. Now the heat is gone and what left is the cold feeling of defeat and unaccomplished. I have learned a lot, of course, during my time with the university. I have met so many awesome people, taught youngsters with different attitudes, and served under many bosses and masters. They taught me about life in return. That if you blink out of focus for a sec, life can throw shit at you. You must grab it and be in control and drive yourself to your destination. Most people remember the good things in life, but I, however, remember all the bad things that had happened to me. Am I a bad person? I don’t care. I would pray so the people responsible for my sadness and heartbreaks, would live miserably or die in vain and rot in hell. I just could not let go of my painful past and fall into deep sadness whenever the memory flashed by. Unfortunately, those memories came by very often lately.
So for me Sunday is very special as I will spend time in my little garden. To see my little plants alive and well; survived the harsh weather helplessly in the field gives me an immense pleasure. For some people this is irrelevant and confirms the uselessness of one’s life. It’s okay because my heart fluttered, and I went home feeling so complete and joyful. Strange isn’t it?
I guess I am seeing life through a different telescope now. The one that can filter out the heavy stuff like politics or global sufferings. I can see only the little things now that will make me smile and happy.