My new task as a Coordinator is getting dull and boring. For a few short months I was scolded , bitched and bossed around. At this age I think I could no longer have the energy to absorb, pretend nothing happened and things would get better tomorrow. At times I was stunned to know that “minah mulut tak ada lesen” really exists among us. They would smile at us in the morning, give that bitchin’ look right after lunch and attack you before the day ends. As the new kid on the block, I have tried to be nice and all but you know what I am getting tired of it. Tired of being nice already….hmm.. I guess my patience is running thin already. But you know one thing about me is that I am not good with the ladies. I don’t know how to be “a friend” to a lady. A relationship which is limited to a handful of vocabulary. No touching. No emotional attachment. You can see but you can never get it. I don’t know what has become of me because when I was a child I like to befriend girls and played what they play like hopscotch ( “dek chok” what we used to call it back in Kelantan) or “main selambut” etc. Too much of it until I became so “lembut” like the girls…or that was what they called me..well maybe the boys were so jealous of me I don’t know. But being called names was not good at all and I started to be like “boys” and all played “guroh” and looked for “buah getah” to collect and compete. So from then on a lady was a No-No. But now things are different. Sometime we made a decision and it is not on their favor and you get scolded, or even when the mistakes happened which was not your fault at all, you get scolded. For reasons that beyond your comprehension or common knowledge. Where did you get that, bitch?! I said…silently…..to myself. The rage in unbearable but I don’t want to lose my anger. I have been angry all my life and decided to do away with it already. A grumpy old man does not have a pleasant face at all. So I worked to control my anger and put it on a permanent leash. Many people from Kelantan especially, including myself, have this behavior….called “pongoh”—an explosive anger that will ruin civilization within its reach when it detonated. An ugly beast within the soul of a man that makes a man of what he is—so I believe.
During my recent Umrah trip, our Ustaz said to leave your anger at home and never bring it with you to Makkah. I pledged to myself that I will be a nice little boy and whatever circumstances there might be, I would not get angry. For the most part of the trip I was OK and the beast was under control. Then one time I was waiting for the elevator to get to my room for a bad grueling stomach ache like your ass was about to explode and shit all over the floor, a big-ass Arabic lady came along. I pulled the door open and looked at her. I did not ask her to go in but she went in anyway. The elevator was so small and she was sooo big I could not squeeze in for the ride. You know what.. I did not know Arabic so could not ask her to come out or argue of what happened. All I could do was to slam the door hard…too hard that the sensor broke and now the elevator could not go up. It kept still and opened the door. Now the lady was screaming at me and from what I could make out from her voice was that she was mad like hell. I heard the word “haram,haram” a thousand times. I let her in and now she’s bitchin at me and all. But I left my anger at home so I don’t know how to get angry. Quite frustrating.
In another incident, I was queuing for zam zam water at a fountain along the place of Saie in Masjidil Haram. The time was about 6pm which is less than an hour from Iftar. The crowd was getting bigger and bigger. I squeezed myself in and found a good spot. Then out of nowhere a lady cut in. A beautiful nice looking Arabic lady cut in front of me for the water. She was beautiful so I don’t see any reason for not being nice and courteous. I let her. So when her turn to fill up, she took out two small mineral water bottles. I said OK no problem what a nice lady. Then she pulled out from underneath one big-ass two gallons empty bottle to fill up. I said What?! Excuse me! You can’t do that miss it will take forever……. Apparently she did not speak English and said something back to me in Arabic. She sounded like a mad old lady right before a menopause. After that she called out her friends from the back to hand her their empty bottles so she can fill them up too! I was furious! Angry! But you see I don’t know Arabic, so there is no way to unleash my beast. I have no way to communicate my anger. I was so disappointed. I hate Arabic ladies…they maybe pretty but their mouth have no brakes, no attitude…(or “mulut tak de lesen”). In the end I got my zam zam water after all; but I learnt also to dislike a species that I admired so much!.