Saturday 1 June 2019
Something must be in the rain. It settled things. Despite the scorching heat an hour ago, now the air is more pleasant. The heat made you run for cover and the day seemed hopeless like we were being punished or something; when the rain came we went for cover also but to wait for the rainbows to shoot across the sky. Life can be beautiful sometimes whenever you put your trust into it.
Ramadhan is leaving us soon. The fasting has taught me to “let go” of something. Let go of eating and drinking and sex. Tough isn’t it!? because we all live for that- eating, drinking and sex. But thank God I managed. Soon we will let go of everything ; are we ready? I for the sake of this argument has started to let go many things. The hardest must be to let go of the family members, yep I have no clue. But I have started to let go many friends. I have good friends and pretend-to-be good friends. Some of them were really mean and the bad things they had done to me will come with me to the grave. It was not only the pain but the guilt and shame will forever be part of my sadness. Sometime my mind went back to the old place and the old time so that I can be sad and painful all over again. The memories make me smile and cry at the same time; the wound would be fresh again. So I can feel again. Strange but true. Only those who has an experience being betrayed your trust by someone you really look up would understand this odd predicament . I want to let go those friends but can’t.
I have also needed to learn to let go my own bad blood aka family that suck on you whenever there’s a chance. What a bad jinx to own such a relationship. But they are out there and they are your own flesh and blood. The one that always ask for money but has never intended to pay back.yea that one I am sure you have them too on your side. You wish to let go of them as well; but, you can’t.
To let go of your home is a tough one. Maybe some of us have experience in moving houses; so to let go the house we have been living is something difficult to do. We built a house in Dungun; from scratch that is. From the design to buying materials like woods for flooring or roofing, I’d done it myself. I went to pick up some of the materials with my tukang— a nice local house maker that we paid weekly. No house loan. So there was a lot of memories and experience went into the development. But in one fine night, robbers put us all into a deep sleep and rampaged the house while we were in there. So terrible. We lost a lot of my wife’s jewellery but most of all we lost our privacy and dignity.The intrusion left in us a deep wound of fear and insecurity. We decided to let go of our beautiful 7-bedroom bungalow and moved to Shah Alam. We may never have a chance to own such an awesome piece of property again but , you know, we just wanted to move on.Sad but it was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Nowadays I am not afraid to let go of anything or anyone anymore . If you fucked me up please leave my life, just go away. For a long time , I have been nice to people when they return shit to me. Made me a fool out of my own naivety. I framed a nice smile nevertheless. My mom taught me that to give a sweet sour smile whenever I was made a fool. But no more. This land is flat for you as well as it is for me.
Thank god I have nice neighbours otherwise I have to let go of my neighbours as well. On the right is En Saiful and on my left is mr Lim. We have been good all this while so no issues. But both of them have moved since so could it me that is an ass?? Hmmmm inquiring mind wants to know. I hope not.
Bad colleagues also give you bad environment; thus, unnecessary stress. We all have this so do I. Sometime it is difficult to let go of them but believe me you must, slowly and surely.
Students are hard to let go for sure. I love my students very much no matter how bad they smell.the restless eyes, confused faces, and sticky hands with limply handshakes make your heart flutters for no reason. But one principle I must abide —- you can see but you cannot touch. It’s like a glass wall has been built between us. But no matter what they will be gone by semester end and you will be forgotten like yesterday’s news. So I must learn to let go of them and not get too attached. So heartbreaking isn’t it? But that’s how it works so get over it. One thing I learned about students is that they live in their own complex life. With own language, characters and social structure. They have their family at the center, girlfriends in the next layer, buddies will line up around next layer, other friends coming in next, and the rest is lump together in the final layer. If you are lucky enough , you might be in the last layer. But most of the time your importance is at the same level as the bangla at the petronas gas station—- talked to only needed and once the change is given get the hell out asap. So forgettable. Every time I see my beloved students, this framework will be fetched from the back of my mind so I wont be heartbroken again. Just let them go, they will be fine…..don’t worry….go and write some stupid articles or something.